April 19, 2007

• My "Father"

  

  I never understood my father, why would I? I don't even know the man. I didn't meet my father till I was seven years old, it was so weird seeing him for the first time and calling him "dad" because I was so used to calling another man father for so many years. He came into my life all of a sudden and left just as fast, I didn't see my father for two years after that and another four after that. He would walk in and out of my life, making his appearance when he thought he had to. In the eighteen years I have been alive he has only seen me once on my birthday and that was my sweet sixteen, then he popped $40 in my hand and told me to buy myself something nice.

  I was showered with empty promises as a child, promises of love and togetherness that crumbled before me. As a teen his promise was that when I turned eighteen things would change, four months have passed an no results. To top off his "promise" he made plans with me on my eighteenth birthday, he wanted to go out with me and share this once in a lifetime moment seeing his daughter become a young woman. I waited for him that night until dark on that cold December 31 and he never showed, my mother kept telling me that he wasn't going to show up, but I kept a positive mind and just kept telling myself that he was running late. He called me soon after telling me that he was two hours away hanging out with some friends so he wasn't going to show up, but he wanted to wish me a happy birthday. Yeah, what a happy birthday. It reminded me of all the times when I was little, I would back an overnight bag because a promise was made to me telling me that I would be able to spend the night with my father, I man I loved very much. I would wait there by the door for hours, sometimes falling asleep on the couch or on the tile in front of the door fully dressed to go and he never showed up. I did that many times from the ages of 7 to 12 or 13. I remember my mother picking me up rousing me awake in her arms, telling me it was midnight and he wasn't coming, then I would cry as she held me. It was hard for me, but I can only imagine how hard it was for my mother to watch her little girl go through so much pain and broken heart after broken heart.

  The older I got the less I believed his excuses, they were all old and worn out. I finally told my father that I thought he was a liar and I didn't believe I word he said anymore, I told him that actions speak louder than words and I would be ready to spend time with him when he was ready to put forth the effort to be there. I see my dad about once a year, twice if I'm lucky... and he only lives about 15-20 minutes away. I have seen him so little that I can actually count the number of times I have seen him and the clothes I was wearing on that day. He rarely calls me under his own free will unless he's drunk, then he calls me up to tell me he's sorry for being such a bad father and that things will change. I doubt that he even remembers these late night calls.

  I have a brother, my fathers son, Philip, he turned thirteen on Christmas eve. I've only seen him twice when he was two years old, to tell you the truth I'm not even sure if he knows that he has a big sister. I bought him a present once for his third birthday, but my dad never let me give it to him. I still have it after eleven years, it's still waiting to be claimed by him if I ever get the chance to hand it to him myself. I hope that Philip will understand that it was not my decision not to be there, I hope he understands that my hands were tied... and that I love him very much. Every now and again I get to see a picture of him and watch him grow up through these still frames of time, but I wish that I could be there instead of watching from afar.

  There is a song that reminds me a lot of my father and it brings tears to my eyes every time I here it. It's called "I love you this much" by Jimmy Wayne.

  Excerpt:
  He can't remember
   The times that he thought
  Does my daddy love me?
  Probably not
  That didn't stop him
  From wishing that he did
  Didn't keep him from wanting
  Or worshipping him

  He guesses he saw him
  About once a year
  He could still feel the way he felt
  Standing in tears
  Stretching his arms out
   As far as they'd go
  Whispering dad
  I want you to know

  [Chorus:]
  I love you this much
  And i'm waiting on you
  To make up your mind
  Do you love me too?
  How ever long it takes
  I'm never giving up no matter what
  I love you this much

  My father only kept one promise to me... before I was born he told my mother that I would always be a bastard and made sure of that.

  (I'm sorry this post was so long, I just needed to talk)

  • 11:25 pm
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