January 22, 2007

• Bitter Sweet

   

  Today is a sad day, one full of mourning, sorrow and memories. Today marks the six month anniversary of my dear friends passing. A half a year has passed by and the pain that was once sharp is now but a muffled echo in my heart. Though the ache is dull… it brings me great discomfort. Today I reminisce of moments he and I shared, memories of a bond I once had for a man whom I cared for deeply. A bond now broken in the flesh though somehow stronger in the spirit.

   

  I often think of all that was left unspoken, words that I never said though longed to whisper in his ear. Did he know I loved him? I can only pray that he hears my whispers at night, my confessions of love I now speak and hope they find their way to him. If nothing else they comfort me. I always said that life was too short to live with regret and it’s true. But I can’t help but feel regretful of what I left unsaid, and by the time my heart possessed the courage to speak… it was too late.

   

  I can’t go through a day or a night without being reminded of him, the sunset itself whispers memories of us. The crickets serenade plays the ballad that our voices once danced to in the late hours of twilight, the sunrise heralds the climax of our conversation… the rain engulfs me with its memory of how soothing we found its music. These things that once made me cry in remembrance now make me smile in celebration, reminding me of the time I did share with him…moments not everyone could claim they did share with him.

   

  The night my friend passed I had an overwhelming feeling that I should call, but I let other things in life distract me. If I had called, I would have gotten to speak with him one last time before he was gone forever… if only I had called. I miss his voice so much, that voice that always seemed to know the right things to say. Now I can only hear the distant tone of his voice echoing in his fathers’… he sounded just like his father. But nevermore shall my phone ring with the anticipation that it’s him… nevermore. Sometimes I still forget that he is gone and I pick up the phone to call, half way through dialing his number I stop… and I remember. I did this several times this holiday season, I picked up the phone to call and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving… Merry Christmas… Happy New Year. But then my heart sank as I remembered that doing so was now impossible. I could only whisper the words and pray that they would find him. And I shall whisper those words in year to come and hope they find their way from my heart to his, even though we are separated by death… and a lifetime.

   

  I was thinking of a trip he and I had planned this summer, we were going to Colorado to visit the places of his childhood. I am still taking the trip I had promised to venture with him, though it is not how we planned it to be. There will be no hiking in the woods at sunset; no fishing in the dark… instead I shall be visiting his grave. I hope his parents excuse me when I fall to my knees and weep for a lost love that has perished… a love that was ripped from me before I had the chance to indulge in it. It was the kind of love that lingers on your lips even after it’s gone, like I fine wine… Bitter sweet .

  Copyright © 2007 Cat Crawford
  

   

  • 12:03 am
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